Many of my clients are highly empathetic beings and feel others pain (mainly because they have a strong relationship with their own pain). 

Something I have noticed as a common pattern that creates struggle in their relationships: is the compulsion to fix rather than to be present. 

When someone we care about is vulnerable or in pain, many of us immediately enter a state of both responsibility and helplessness.

We feel obligated to solve their problems, yet simultaneously fear we can't – or that our solutions will be rejected. 

A big part of this comes from the UNKNOWN wounding. 

This month, I'd like to share insights about how this pattern operates and how we can move beyond it to create genuine connection. 

The "Fixer" Pattern 

This pattern typically unfolds like this: 

1. Someone expresses vulnerability or pain 
2. We feel responsible for fixing or changing their experience 
3. We offer solutions or advice from a place of anxiety 
4. Our offerings are often rejected or don't provide real relief 
5. We feel invalidated, helpless, or angry 
6. We either retreat (flee) or become defensive (fight) 

As one client shared: 

The Deeper Roots

This pattern often stems from childhood experiences where our worth became tied to our ability to make things better for others—particularly our parents or caregivers. We internalised the belief that connection depends on our capacity to solve problems. 

What we miss in this dynamic is that most people aren't seeking solutions when they share their vulnerability—they're seeking connection. They want to be seen, heard, and felt, not fixed. 

Try this meditation to begin to work with that space

The Pathway to Transformation 

1. Recognise the Energy Exchange 

   When we limit our offering to what we can physically do or provide, we miss the deeper energetic connection that's being sought. The most powerful gift we can give another person is not our solutions—it's our presence. 
   
   As I told a client recently: "Your curiosity and completion of your energy—which means you're not externally trying to fix or change anything—you're just in a state of presence, awareness, and curiosity." 
   
   

2. Feel Your Nervous System Responses 

   Notice when someone's vulnerability triggers your own programming—when you feel that rush of responsibility, helplessness, or the urge to retreat or defend. These are your nervous system's habitual responses, and becoming aware of them is the first step to transformation. 
   
   Pay attention to where these feelings manifest in your body.
   Is it tightness in your chest?
   A knot in your stomach?
   Tension in your shoulders?
   This body awareness helps you catch the pattern before it takes over. 
   
   

3. Stretch Into New Possibilities 

   Transformation requires a willingness to stretch your nervous system into new territory. Instead of rushing to fix, practice sitting with your own discomfort. Create intentional space and time for connected presence without an agenda. 
   
   As one client discovered, this might mean saying to a parent, "I'm not going anywhere" and simply sitting with them as they process their pain, rather than trying to make that pain go away. 
   
   

This Month's Practice:

Presence Without Fixing 

When someone shares their vulnerability with you this month, try this practice:

1. Take a deep breath and notice any impulse to fix, solve, or retreat 
2. Acknowledge internally: "This person is seeking connection, not just solutions" 
3. Ask yourself: "Can I simply be present with their experience without needing to change it?" 
4. Offer your attention and curiosity instead of solutions 
5. Notice how this shifts the quality of your connection 

Remember that being fully present with someone in their pain doesn't mean you're responsible for taking that pain away. It means you're creating sacred space for authentic connection—which is ultimately what heals us all. 

"The true connection is energetic presence—not about having the answer or the outcome sorted, but simply being a witness to what is." 

Generational Healing 

One powerful aspect of this work is recognising how patterns of disconnection and abandonment can echo through generations. When we heal our relationship patterns, we're not just transforming our own lives—we're healing ancestral wounds. 

As I witnessed with a client working through relationship dynamics with her mother: "She's trying to heal the pattern of her parents through you, just as you're trying to heal your patterns through her." 

This generational healing work may be challenging, but it's also profoundly rewarding. By becoming conscious of these patterns, we create the possibility for new connections that aren't bound by the limitations of the past. You become the portal of change and that change echoes all around you. 

Upcoming Events 

• Relationship Rewire Masterclass: Watch here
• Are you in Sydney? Join me live for the Pattern Shift -> Get your tickets here
• Book a connection call for those that are new to this space and curious about out how it might shift their healing journey

Your wounds aren't just painful feelings—they're portals to understanding the true nature of existence.