The Illusion of External Validation

“You think you're broken. But what I want you to consider is that the path is broken...” 

This week, I want to explore one of the most painful patterns I see in my coaching practice: the endless quest for external validation and the fear of being "found out" as not good enough. 

Many high-achievers find themselves caught in a paradoxical trap. Despite evidence of their capabilities and accomplishments, they remain convinced of their inadequacy. They push themselves relentlessly through increasingly narrow pathways of achievement, believing that if they can just clear the next hurdle, they'll finally feel safe and worthy. 

As one client powerfully expressed: "I can't do anything. I don't believe in myself. I can't persevere because I'm crazy and sensitive and fragile and weak—all these things my family told me." 

Yet this same person is a successful doctor working in psychiatry. The disconnect between reality and their internal narrative couldn't be more stark. 

The Paradox of Achievement 

This pattern often manifests as: 

1. Constantly feeling behind and needing to "catch up" 
2. Fear of judgment and humiliation if you don't meet expectations 
3. Anxiety about being "on the outside" or not belonging 
4. Self-sabotage when achievement gets too close 
5. An exhausting sense that you must constantly prove yourself 

What's particularly challenging about this pattern is that no amount of external validation ever resolves it. Each achievement simply leads to the next hurdle, the next test, the next opportunity to "fail." 

When the Path Is the Problem 

What if the problem isn't you, but the narrow path you're trying to force yourself to follow? 

Many of the systems we navigate—education, career advancement, institutional hierarchies—are inherently restrictive. They require us to shut down parts of ourselves, conform to rigid expectations, and measure our worth through artificial metrics. 

As I told a client recently: "You think you're broken. But what I want you to consider is that the path is broken. You've been taunted and moved yourself and stressed yourself and punished yourself... But the path is so fucking narrow." 

The institutions and systems that promise safety and belonging often attract people with similar wounds. Everyone's trying to prove themselves, get to the next level, and validate their existence—they're just not conscious enough to feel it. 

Recognising the Fractals 

Our adult experiences often replicate the patterns of our childhood. If you had to jump through hoops for parental approval, you'll likely find yourself in environments that require similar contortions. 

One client realised: "Even when I was growing up, my mom would always be shocked if I did well. She would always say, 'Oh, you're the one who always comes second.' When I got into medicine, my whole family was shocked. Every step of the way, I have taken that narrative with me." 

These early imprints create a template that we unconsciously seek to resolve by recreating similar dynamics in our adult lives—especially in career and relationship choices. 

Moving Beyond the Program 

1. Question the Reality

The first step toward freedom is questioning the reality you've been accepting as truth. Is this path actually serving your highest good? Or is it simply a familiar pattern of pain?

Begin to notice when you feel most constricted, anxious, or like you're fighting for survival. These are clues that you're in a program rather than in alignment with your authentic self. 

2. Establish Inner Boundaries 

Just as we need boundaries in relationships with others, we need inner boundaries with systems and institutions. This means being clear about what you will and won't compromise for external validation.

As one client discovered after setting a boundary with her partner: "I didn't pander to him in the sense of 'Oh yeah, it's okay now, let's just move on.' I was pretty clear with him... And I can't tolerate that. That's just the absolute no."

The same principle applies to institutional demands. You can participate while maintaining your sovereignty.

3. Recognise the Adult and the Child 

Within each of us are both wounded child parts and empowered adult parts. The child thinks everything is their fault and they're getting it wrong. The adult is discerning and can recognise when a system is flawed. 

Practice connecting with your adult self who can say: "You know what, this environment is a little bit messed up. I'm called to be here and choose to do this, but I know in myself that some aspects aren't okay for me." 

This isn't about rebellion for its own sake, but about maintaining your integrity while navigating imperfect systems. 

This Week's Practice:

Sovereign Participation 

When you find yourself caught in anxiety about external validation this week, try this approach: 

1. Pause and notice: Where in your body do you feel the urgency, fear, or pressure? 
2. Question the narrative: Ask yourself, "Is this truly about my inadequacy, or is this about a flawed system asking too much?" 
3. Find the fractals: How does this situation mirror patterns from your childhood? What old wounds is it activating? 
4. Set an inner boundary: Decide what aspects of this situation you're willing to engage with and what you'll decline or modify. 
5. Connect with your adult self: Remind yourself that you can discern what's happening without taking full responsibility for the dysfunction. 

Remember that transforming these patterns isn't about rejecting all structure or responsibility. It's about participating from a place of sovereignty rather than survival. 

"The safety that you're trying to make in this world is an illusion. It will not exist for you ever. There will be another hoop, another thing to jump through, another challenge. It's never going to validate you." 

 

Finding Your Authentic Path 

True freedom comes not from finding the perfect external path, but from creating internal safety regardless of external circumstances. When you no longer need the world to validate your worth, you can engage with it from a place of choice rather than desperation. 

This doesn't mean abandoning your goals or commitments. It means bringing consciousness to how you engage with them. You can pursue excellence without attaching your worth to outcomes. You can participate in systems while recognising their limitations. 

As one client realised: "Maybe psychiatry is serving me right now. Facing all of this in my career has helped me grow tremendously. I am well fitted to be a positive change. I feel that inspiration." 

When we bring our authentic selves to our chosen paths—rather than trying to contort ourselves to fit predetermined moulds—we not only heal ourselves but help transform the very systems we're navigating.  

 Upcoming Events This Week 

• LIVE in-person event: The Pattern Shift, a 4 hour workshop - learn more
• Join our Open To Consciousness Community here - get your first month free
• Apply for Consciousness Mentorship here - your 12-week transformative journey

To learn more about working with me, book a call here

Your wounds aren't just painful feelings—they're portals to understanding the true nature of existence.