All your Relationships are Mirrors to YOU...
Jul 23, 2025Never miss a blog, subscribe here
The Holographic Nature of Relationships
Have you ever noticed how the same painful patterns keep appearing in your relationships? The specific faces might change, but somehow, the hurt feels eerily familiar. This week, I want to explore how our closest relationships often reflect our deepest unprocessed wounds, and how this reflection offers us our greatest opportunity for liberation.
One client shared an insight during our session: "It's like my partner is carrying on my father's voice. I know exactly when it started, right after my dad passed away. It's like my dad's patterns were passed on to him. But when I look closer, I realise it's because I'm carrying those patterns within me."
This reflection reveals one of the most profound truths about our relationships: they serve as holographic mirrors, showing us the precise pain points we've yet to fully process and integrate.
The Holographic Nature of Relationships
When we understand the holographic principle of relationships, we begin to see that:
- Every person in our life is reflecting aspects of our own consciousness
- The people closest to us mirror our deepest wounds and patterns
- Our triggers aren't random, they're precise activations of our unprocessed pain
- Others aren't "doing something to us", they're participating in our evolution
As one client realised: "I get upset when he speaks to me that way, but then I noticed I use that exact same tone with our children. We're caught in the same cycle, I'm playing out how it feels to be powerful when I'm feeling powerless."
This understanding doesn't excuse harmful behaviour. Rather, it empowers us to see that our recurring relationship dynamics aren't random torments, but evolutionary invitations to heal our most painful patterns.
The Addiction to Pain
What keeps these patterns in place? What I've observed is a phenomenon I call "pain addiction", a complex interplay where:
- We become addicted to familiar emotional states, even painful ones
- We unconsciously create situations that will give us these emotional experiences
- We bond with others through complementary wounds, creating "wound-bonds"
- We reject new patterns that don't match our emotional addiction
As one client noted during a profound healing journey: "I'm contributing to his pain addiction. I need to stop taking it in through here [points to heart]. I need to stop letting it in."
Understanding this addiction cycle is crucial because it explains why simply changing our external circumstances rarely creates lasting transformation. The addiction follows us, recreating similar dynamics with new people.
The Void Before Rebirth
When we begin this work, relationships often enter what I call "the void", a space where old patterns are no longer feeding the addiction, but new patterns haven't yet formed. This void can feel terrifying.
As one client described: "It feels like this is the end. I have these thoughts like, 'You'll never get out of this,' or 'What are you going to do if you walk away?'"
This void is actually sacred space, the pause between an old reality and a new one. It requires tremendous courage to stand in this void without retreating to familiar patterns.
The goal isn't to never feel triggered again. Rather, it's to become so conscious of your triggers that they no longer unconsciously drive your behaviour. It's to expand your capacity to hold intense emotional states without needing to discharge them onto others.
"The relationship with your soul must come first. Until that relationship is solid, no other relationship will feel enough or safe."
Compassion for All Players
As you work with these patterns, remember that we're all caught in our own pain addiction cycles. The person who triggers you is likely responding from their own unprocessed pain and unconscious patterning.
This perspective doesn't mean accepting harmful behaviour. Rather, it allows you to respond from wisdom rather than reactivity. It enables you to set clear boundaries while maintaining compassion for the wounded parts in yourself and others.
The most beautiful paradox in this work is that as you reclaim responsibility for your own pain patterns, your relationships transform, not because you've changed others, but because you've changed the holographic projection.
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